January 14 2008 DonInLondon - ‘Day In the Life’

A Mixture Of A Sunday To Monday

An Excerpt with some alterations after more reflection :

[very true evil does flourish when good people do nothing. It is true and so true, at the same time these days I am really aware that even I, or especially me, no matter how much I may mean well, can just get things plain wrong. Indeed we can influence people to find their path. I try to make certain its not my path I suggest but the one they would choose for themselves. In other words be a mentor to an extent and still the choices are always with our friends.

Behaviour consistent with our outsides - that is thinking and feeling as the moment is.. the elusive present tense without a huge amount of history having an influence is pretty impossible. We do react and then find ourselves trying for a measured response when the damage may be done is very human.

No two people are alike so we often hear the familiar story and attitudes from both men and women. Some men may think women ‘are up for it‘ and some women think men are ‘up for it’, not me in my experience. Whatever has occurred in my relationships had to be based on choice and inclination. I do have a natural and careful approach, and in truth I too need to be inclined. So this cannot really happen in open groups of people for me, it needs to be a conversation and with all the boundaries as they are.

In general terms I feel for anyone in sobriety and is making their emotional progress starts to develop more consistent relationships with both men and women. Nature and nurture and any amount of experience develops us as we are. To this point. And the absolute experience a person has is going to develop an overall attitude to matters of friendship and beyond, fraternal is very good and welcome. When it comes to our sexual conduct, how we are is very much based on what we know and what has happened to us.

What to do?

For me self honesty. with just a little time into sober living, I know I have my learner plates back on. And in fellowship we can be close in friendships and still need more time to develop our own life patterns all over again. When I don't understand my own feelings I can be sure I will be sending mixed messages probably. Self knowledge is good, and the boundaries we have really have a lot to do with what is important and what we actually need. Most often it is space to find ourselves enough, to be interdependent and to be happy in company.

As time is moving along and as each person finds their path, there will be mistakes and new understandings. Old understandings about some men and women will remain the same, as long as we find out what they are. And truly judging does happen as we realise that while we may be a part of a fellowship with principles and values, those values and principles need to be learned in experience and sobriety.

No Rush From My The Bunker!

I do empathise strongly with what you say. I have found my bunker quite a relief. My loneliness in my drinking years meant I shared a lot of time with women who had the same loneliness and I even made sure my career meant there were opportunities to be a drinker and available to be lonely in company.

The difference today is I am not lonely. So some of the attributes of relationships in the past has been taken away. And with the march of time for me, I do not feel the need to be in a relationship because that is what people do. I would prefer a relationship which? Now there is a question. I have no answer because it has not happened yet. I have not met my partner to be yet, or have really thought strongly of looking. A lot of this is a health question for me. And in matters of the heart it is all about time place and coincidence I suspect. The rule of thumb that we need be a year sober before anything happens, well it is a guide for newcomers as I was. In a right sized head it is an obvious and welcome suggestion. Today I feel it is more about lifestyle and connections we make which lead where they will. We are human and we are intuitive and have desires. How we work these conundrums out is as time unfolds. I have no formula for me or anyone.

Someone shared not too long ago about their crush on a man in the fellowship, and then he turned up looking different in a superficial way and the crush was gone in an instant.

What is true of the crush, is also true for all of us humans still inclined to single status. We think, we feel, we should, we ought, we can't, we might, might I, could I. All a bundle of maybe and might be. Truth is when it comes to love, I suspect we are powerless over our attractions and desires, they are our deep. At the same time we know the consequences and the risk and vulnerability is often there in my mind.

So I remain content for now. And know the life I have is evolving gently. I don't have any illusions or delusions presently, and as usual if I do have an odd thought here and there about women I see and get to know, it usually passes me by as friendship is far more compelling presently. Will this change? Now that I feel is a good question and I do not have an answer.

Powerlessness

Influencing others to danger is a good stance, and to make anyone aware of consequences is always good to suggest. I have had these conversations with others regarding the feckless types. They say they know feckless types and still recognise they both have been involved with feckless types, there are plenty around. And I too have been superficial and indifferent to myself because that is what I learned, and as a consequence the same with women in my life. Hopefully we all learn from experience. And I have a better understanding of respectful and sensibility, cherishing people is my key.

There are certain types of men per se, and certain types of women per se. I never know the truth of either until I have the evidence. I was always taught to honour women and women make their choices to be involved or not. I never realised I had choices until these last few years to say no and mean it.

Abuse comes in all shapes and forms, physical, emotional and spiritual too, although the latter depends on having some spiritual to be devoured.

Men and physical abuse, is impossible to tolerate for me and has landed me in awful jams. Women who abuse men, is a difficult subject for me. I have walked away with hurt unimaginable. A sadness beyond measure.

In a similar way understanding conflicts which just happen out of nowhere,
I just had a coach driver try knock me off my bicycle. The feelings in me were astonishing, and I am glad I rode away shaking with a mixture of emotions. All real and very much as a response to keep riding away from the madness rather than turn back and be stupid.

Context - powerless, people places and things is a very Zen way. The reality of life will make us wonder. People will find their boundaries with experience, and behaviour which keeps a person safe is also very difficult. Sober from drink affords the luxury to develop as we may, with good conscience and also mentors around who help us find consistency in our personal behaviour. We all need time and that is the one thing we fail to recognise when we may feel driven to be like everyone else.

I prefer the bunker often - I prefer not hurting and causing pain. That however will not save me when the time comes, if it does, to fall in love again. And that I am powerless over too.

In the meantime I love company, and love my single company too. What on earth will I do when love comes knocking on my metaphorical door? Just be human and open the door I imagine.

Friendships

As I see it, judgment of others and limiting my suggestions, is something I have not really done much to change in sobriety. I made some ghastly connections in the last few years which still make me feel sad from time to time. I do know being an open book works, just some 'readers of my open book' will not get my outlook or me. And they make there path elsewhere as I prove too hard to know.

In friendship I feel comfortable presently and time will make fair weather, as well as distance make some present friends, acquaintances in future times. Proximity and outlook are key.]

Defining God

Man Made God - God Made Man

Is it any wonder we all get to talk about God? Mankind has had some form of relationship with a God it seems to me. As we become concerned about the purpose of life beyond our human nature we do wonder rightly, what is life all about?

No apologies for my views these days.

Indeed in a democracy, we are allowed to have our views and express them. And in America, the land of the free, there are many forms of religious views help and its perfectly to have them… That is if it were a perfect world and a perfect system of democracy.

I have the right to have my views and so does anyone reading my words here. It is not for me to challenge religious belief, I have no cause to fight a good fight when it comes to religion. And dogma of any sort, especially my own is always going to make me feel awkward.

I have no answers to others understanding of God. And its ok these days. As a staunch undecided and worrier around any form of cult, dogma or brainwashing activity I feel a sort of middle of the road type.

One persons devout outlook can be another’s dogma and form of brainwashing. Very similar views and polemics just happen all the time in any fellowship which deals with fellowship. Alcoholics Anonymous is no different.
Somehow most of the time we deal with our similarities and not the differences.

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January 14th 2007

So here I am half way through Sunday and the world is fine, its sometimes a bit difficult to understand everything until we understand and see the bigger picture of everything. It gives us context, so here is a video clip to share this morning and what we did at our AA meeting. Just my outlook, not everyone’s, so hope it gives you some context to my Higher Powers in life.

Serenity - (posted last night)

What is serenity? Actually is not something we can get all the time and indeed serenity, a place of calm and acceptance. The trouble with life is we can encounter so many situations a day at a time which can undermine and to a large extent unhinge us.

We can start the day feeling ok and find we do something or someone does something and we feel less than serene. Funnily enough it happens so often in life we might say bugger serenity and lets get spangled!

Spangled is a good way to describe getting out of it in some way, using some fix, like a drink or activity or drug or whatever we find takes the edge off the harsh reality of the present.

As spiritual is linked with serenity, its often misunderstood, serenity and spiritual is simply living life as is and being able to cope with it as best we may and finding how to do this sometimes impossible task of just seeing life as real.

Serenity also comes from understanding our right size, where we know we have our part to play in matters and making sure its just the right size, not enormous and not us trying to run the whole show.

We often find we have our ego’s punctured as we realise we cannot control or have as much power over outcomes we would want. The truth of the AA fellowship is we learn how to be right sized, to play our part in events and be the equal of everyone and no bigger or smaller than them. Even when others are in charge of something we can meet them equally in mind and spirit. How we conduct ourselves is through getting ourselves to the right choices and at the right time.

And if that was not enough we also recognise we are powerless always over people, places and things. This does not mean we are a walk over, it means we size up what we are endeavouring to do, and make the right choices with responsiveness rather than reactions to our feelings.
This whole week has been a reminder to me about being the right size and seeing life as it is, not just through my eyes but through the eyes of those I encounter. We can easily forget the impact we have on others, which can be sometimes wonderful and other times as useful as a hole in the head.

And its something we only become aware of as we get reactions or responses from others. It been a good day for being right sized for me. A friend for some lengthy time and me, we were able to sit down and find out where we had a breakdown in communications and the result today is to find this elusive place of serenity. So blinking difficult when we are driven to look right and sound right and behave right.

Its often better to reflect and make our way with a response. And in most instances I do.

Still a Problem

And I have still one problem to get along with, and you know I realise I am powerless over the behaviour and attitudes of others. At the same time it has been my misfortune to act quickly and then find another unleash their venom. Sadly when we meet tricksters shysters and grifters we will be sucked in and when we don’t dance to their tune, they play merry hell and behave as badly as any child spoiled by life. I feel the process evokes the sadness in me and the need to back pedal and withdraw from their influence.

Realising my Powerlessness

I do, and leave it to authorities to decide what to do. I don’t mind the outcome. I have decided its beyond me to fathom and pain felt is due one way or another. Often pain is our way of dealing with our own recalcitrance and others pain is felt in their venom towards us.

Healing Processes

There is always room for healing when people get to a place where there is no other point to explore, as people are as stubborn as me I feel, it is often overdue and way beyond a place of mutual understanding. I live and learn.

If we keep to our open and honest principles most of the time we will reconcile differences and make to the good. Where there is no inclination we might wait for hell to freeze over first.

Attitudes and Behaviour

I feel unable to countenance bad behaviour towards others generally, and also know I can withdraw support where others malign and disfigure reality. It is a sad time when we see our choices were made without understanding the attitudes and behaviour of others, so we pay our penalties as we go as do they of course.

And also we need know, we are better to see people as they are, not as they may portray themselves. And when people are suffering from hardship, we may help as best we can, but not dig in with them when they behave badly. Such are the lessons of life.

As to me? I am learning constantly and have to be thankful to get my dose of unpleasant exposure here and there. It is as it may be. Life teaches when we don’t use wisdom or listen carefully to what we are invited to join in. better to be more circumspect.

Overall

Today has been magic, with good and equal understandings, and without the pain of looking at one which I cannot change for now, life is to the good. What next. Well I may keep the short video on the blog, I have done a longer version, too long on reflection. So am sticking with the quick and quirky one tonight, and thanks whoever rated it already, ratings are done by others and not me, so with thanks and till tomorrow.

January 14th 2006

Ego And Esteem Honest Bedfellows

Let your thinking and doing be equal,
for only then will you be said
to be a powerful soul who has will power.
Let your experience and feeling be equal,
for only then will you be said
to be a powerful soul without need of will power!

So near and yet so far, the problem we face as our wisdom overtakes. Experience, that wonderful memory, our powerhouse and keeper of all our doings in this world.

As we develop our honesty, our wisdom becomes more and more useful. As we develop our honesty, we realise there is no limit to where our experience will take us. We will experience this world in all its elements the more we have truth and honest recollections.

So difficult to enable our minds to soak up all that our senses are able to assimilate. There is a lifetime of lifetimes, no single picture, and no interpretation, which will capture all facets and facts as they happen. Not even our best mechanical devices, not even our computers can relay the world as it is. Only we can do that, individually and uniquely, so similar we might expect there to be little difference in our sharing.. most often worlds apart!

January 14th 2005

Guiding Light

In the midst of uncertainty, keep determination in your thoughts and that will become like a guiding light in front of you.

-/-

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