As my understanding of the spiritual life is very much about experiencing the truth of now, I realise my deluded outlook in the past helped me set myself up for disappointments. Much of the fault was with me. Much of the fault was me misunderstanding the human condition, or it was me misunderstanding the life I had and the obvious truth that all humans are making progress and are far from perfect.
Spiritual learning is knowing and understanding the truth of now, not being deluded and not evoking filters to rid my inner self of any filters. Alcohol for me made much of what happened to me in my adult life pass with suppression of much I might have chosen to do had I been able to accept the truth of the present rather than some ideal of perfection I might aspire to in living.
"If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us - sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them."
Today was a good day for me to share. I realise much of what upset and led me into drink was my outlook. I believed and felt I was able to accept the promises made to me by others. And when they let me down I would never take things out on others, I would swallow my hurts with copious amounts of what took the edge off, alcohol.
I also realise the worst part of my downfall was the horrible understanding that when I became a victim of bullying in the mid nineties, I sucked up the hurt and pain until it was unbearable.
It has been a day for recollecting these things and a day for realising that I never realised how damaged I had become by continually coping and not understanding when to give up and move on.
Powerless over: people - places - things.
I never realised that I was and am powerless over people places and things. Especially people, what people do is what I did over the years. To accept harsh treatment, to work myself to near death in the fantasy that this was the way all people lived and worked. I was very naïve. I was also savvy in many other ways of coping and in the end I was like a man walking the plank, with just one way to go, to drown in psychosis and trauma through overwork in a regime riddled with deceit and low cunning. That gave me the opportunity to experience a nervous collapse which has taken years to overcome.
All of today, like some odd coincidence there has been genral disquiet about bullying and mistaken loyalties. The rush to cope and prove ourselves so often made possible by careers and by fear, is the very thing that helps the sensitive types end up beached and broken.
It is not easy to see these calamities when we are in the thick of these dilemmas. And many of us hope with hard work and effort and proper understanding we will be rewarded for our loyalty.
Ask any policeman in England how they feel today.. They may reflect that their trust has been undermined and they cannot believe the government of the day had no alternative but to make a derisory award below inflation this coming year. Just an example of the bully boy, in this case the Prime Minister Gordon Brown laying down the rules and losing the sentiment of fair play in a wholly irresponsible action on his part. And at the same time bailing out the Northern Rock Bank with Billions of pounds.
What have I learned all over again is the difficult so many face with society, life in general and a misunderstanding about the rules of life.
We need find trust in people understand their fallibility as much as our own. No one need be loyal to disloyal people.
At the same time I am learning is perfectly alright to live love and learn again. This is in my personal relationships and also its in my outlook. I am open and more honest and more willing. As others might deny their part in life, I see my part in living more clearly. We find and share and understand life better when we follow a simple honest programme.
Progress never perfect.
In the past what broke me completely was me becoming like those who we come to despise, the bully in everyone can emerge as we are tutored by life. And that was what broke me. Forgive me please? I doubt that some may ever forgive me for not being what they wanted. I need forgive myself and change my conduct or I am lost in this spiritual path.
The Truth Will Out.. One day at a time one can only hope and make a clearer path for me and every other journeyman, me and you always..
January 19th 2007
Just For Today
In our fellowship we have slogans and sayings which have been around at least as long as our fellowship. And as with all good things like wisdom it does not matter where it comes from, its what we do with it that counts.
I have felt pretty good all day and although there have been high winds, most likely gale force here and there I was able to get out and about. Odd really that even when the weather is as it is, we Alcoholics will brave elements to get to a meeting! Well some of us do.
Has been more than good as some outlooks are really improving even though some mobility seems a little harder. Off how getting my head in order means I can cope with most things these days. And of course as I share openly where my life is, the better chance I have for comment and inclusion of others wisdom too..
Well this is of course hoping there is wisdom about, and what I have found in my fellowship, is wisdom comes from the youngest and oldest and everywhere in between.
Its only good for today
It seems this is becoming more and more obvious, that what we feel is good one day, was good for that one day and now as we move along we feel it changes and modifies as we change too. Nothing stands still, nothing really except the nature of mankind, as we endeavour we have this thirst for living as we may. And it is as nature made us, to make the most and best of what we are and what we can be.
Society and Culture
Oddly enough it seems we are not so good in the bigger picture as we make our power greater, so too are our disasters. The influence of one man or woman’s thoughts can form opinion and belief as if their outlook was truth. And quite often the truth which is based on opinion and belief is just good for that time and era.
I hope this is so as there is insanity across this world as greed and depravation make uncomfortable outlooks and living.
There will come a time if we as a civilisation and race of beings can avoid catastrophe when other generations will look back at us as slow and prehistoric. I don’t mind this, in some ways I would wish us more developed, but that is merely a wish.
Yes reality we have to deal with it and be ourselves. And make the most of where we are and ensure we keep our outlook to the good of what we know. Seems so many of us are distorted from our true path we never find our way. At least on a daily basis I am getting a fair go with what I can do. And this is just fine.
As part of reality though the casualties round here seem more than ever, some sort of Winter malaise as more news of expiring fellowship people. We are always one day from a drink either way we look at our lives, we make our programme as good as a day. And we all know that addiction can take us back to madness beyond our wildest nightmares, that is life.
So for Today
Its not just ok, its been better as denials around my worth have slid away. I realise a friend of mine a couple of weeks back hit the nail on the head when he suggested I was not giving myself a fair go. After years of ruin he is absolutely right and I am learning a lot more as I go along.
On a personal level, a jolt forwards and with happiness inside me, and less concern for those who would see me less than them. I choose right size and equal with each having choices and power to make them, with faith courage and confidence.
I will see it my computer has managed to upload my video to you tube, it may not, as the turmoil outside seems inside my machine today, we shall see.
I also did another video on CBS and the famous speeches from history, it is easy to make comedy, it is harder to be taken seriously. And what sadness there must be in a Nation when all endeavour is levelled so. As with anyone though if we dare show ourselves above the parapet of anonymity we will find ourselves treated ever this way.
When we are not understood, or ideas seem out of synch with life we will always be open to challenge, and this is life. So I guess I may enjoy or not as the case may be, some critique and wisdom coming my way again. I need heed it and find use in it, and where it fits add and combine.
If nothing else this past few years, I have learned humility and good wisdom is available when I have an open mind and open outlook. So just for today, and hopefully many more let it ever be so.
Is always another day to learn and develop my opinion and beliefs, I hope they are founded on truth as much can be, and with less of my ego in there too.
As to all human states we might encounter, they have purpose not always apparent at the time, and with sharing we get a better chance to get what life is, always just this one day at a time. And we can all change when we see the wisdom, and not the fear or ego of staying the same…
January 19th 2007
Big Brother - We are all Watching You
Seems so, tonight people made a rush to home to see what would happen after a week of headlines about racism. This programme has taken us to depths we never realised we had. A horrible and dreadful place of watching people suffer after they have been primed with alcohol, some of them and then ongoing psychological manipulations by the production company.
Anyone involved in the editorial and managerial side of the Big Brother event must be looking to deny any culpability for the news around the world. How have we sunk to such depths, where we find it entertaining to see people out of their environment, isolated from their family and friends and then baited to behave as badly as they may?
I am shocked by this whole escapade, it has highlighted nothing of the racial tensions in this country, it has aggravated them and made them worse. No one in the UK would deny that racism exists, and its some slim time since the UK was a racist, it was the Imperial nature of our country. It is not long in cultural terms, since those days were over. Attitudes are only changing slowly.
Somehow this Big Brother programme is looking to make the problem the fault of the contestants. If we look at the whole life of the people concerned and their attitudes and behaviour, we can pick all of them to pieces, the same is true of most human beings. What we see as a snap shot, not a whole life, but now it seems a snap shot may follow the people concerned to the end of time.
There is sadness tonight as I no doubt will see how the Production Company make it clear it was the people and not them. I find this denial of culpability as shameful as most of the behaviour of big companies and business across the world.
Power rests with the producers and the manufacturers of this current torture called big Brother, who have most likely succeeded in blighting not just one life, but many.
A sad day indeed.
If this programme highlights anything, it shows that big business gets away with just about anything and people get rich off the backs of others. A cruel world? Maybe one thing this highlights is the corruption of our society and its values.
Our UK government so obviously flawed by its intemperate behaviour over the last few years, has shown its true bankrupt values, there are none, they are superficial, and the issues of the next years is how we get back to living in a multicultural and diverse society.
UK Government, so inept and powerless and scared of its own behaviour has led the country badly. Big Brother, what a bloody joke, and what a useless shower of politicians we have, mere spectators when they would have us believe they are a power in our society. We live and learn. They are not leaders, they are sheep.
If ever there were a case for the public order act to be evoked it is now and against the Big Brother production team and channel four. They are low in my opinion today. And tomorrow is another, maybe they may redeem themselves? Not if they can get away with it. Hypocrites one and all.
January 19th 2006
Good Days Bad Days
A bit like here is the good news and now for the bad. Well it may seem so most of the time. When we look for the good and bad, and make them so, we find we categorize life in just this way.
Here is the news... could be the answer and then we can work out what how we feel.
Maybe there is a better way to approach our days. In the morning ask ourselves this simple question, "how am I feeling?"
So how "how am I feeling?" is my first question of the day?
Second question "why" and the why may give us clues to our general feeling about yesterday and going to sleep, what was in our mind, which helped to get to sleep or kept us awake!
Third question, "what can I do about it?"
May make us see the difference we can make to the day. There are things we can change and things we cannot.
So when we know there are some things we might change to make our feelings better, we can make a plan. Where there are things we cannot change we can accept our powerlessness to change them.
I can change my plans today, I have made too many commitments. Make more room to do less. Or I have no plans today, what can I do rather than maybe lose a day where I could get on with good things. Or I have no fun things to do, make sure I contact a friend, or go for a walk or go to the movies. These things may make me feel better overall. Even when we have hard things to get done and cannot change our plans, we can accept the difficulty and do it, and then make sure I do something for myself somewhere and somehow this day or tomorrow!!
So asking myself the simple question each day every day, how am I feeling? And asking why, then making a plan to change what I can to make the day work for me, or accepting it might be a bad day for me, then I know where I am.
Knowing where I am and my overall feelings help me know what I can and cannot do. It helps me overcome bad days and make better ones as I shape my activities to things, which give me rewarding feelings.
We can feel bad about a hard day, and accept is tough, we can feel better once its done and we have time to relax after. And we can stop the rot, where we get resentful about bad choices and bad outcomes.
A routine for life, check yourself out. How I feel, why and what can be done and equally what we cannot do. We learn then and make our wisdom stronger about knowing the difference!
I felt good this morning when I woke up, why? Because I planned to write a few words on my web sites and planned to see friends and complete some home tasks and go to my fellowship meeting. I could not do all these things in the end, I did my household chores and saw a friend, and my fellowship meeting is still a maybe. And I can be flexible. So there we go a simple routine, which sorts, out much of our life and feelings.
Knowing we are happy and why, knowing our sadness and why, knowing why we might be angry and why, it helps make things the right size on the day, and not a big mass of stuff we lump into being happy or sad. Now there is some simple wisdom!
January 19th 2005
Optimism converts problems into opportunities Without reservation? We can mistake optimism for denial. Denial that sentient quality that keeps us alive when no other element of life will. Denial is the instrument of self will run riot... a harsh place to live.
Without denial many would feel all elements of their life perish, optimism and denial, cloaks relished for their invisibility, I see them, well worn and
cadaverous, pallid and etched... beware mirrors of truth...