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Archive January 20 2008 DonInLondon 'Day in the Life'



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DonInLondon January 20 2008



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January 20 2008 DonInLondon - ĎDay In the Lifeí Life Drama

Drama - Acceptance is a Key

Dramaís in my own small world. I misplaced my house keys this morning. I had them and then gone. Backtracking to everywhere a person may go in a morning makes me realise just how difficult such a small misfortune can make.

After backtracking I ended up finding the keys in a locked area where I have a place to store the bicycle. In between a resort to taxis to get about as my walking is pretty difficult. Various shops searched, various locations yielding nothing and a bike locked up on railings now retrieved.

Antidote

And the antidote was a fellowship meeting at lunch where I sat contemplating what to do, getting spare keys, new ones cut, a change of locks and how to get the fire brigade to come and undo my bike from the railings on the forecourt. And the meeting worked to an extent. As I still had to think where I might have left the keys. All ended well, except for the expense of getting about, and the concern about where these darn keys had got to.

More Important

My sister is away for a day or two and I am helping by cat sitting and also keeping my mother company too. And of course I have people I mentor from time to time and they have been in touch. And I am seeing my sponsor tomorrow which will be a highlight this weekend. Meetings as usual to keep my head straight and keep on track with my programme.

Programmes for Living

What on earth would we have if we did not have a programme for living? Me and my fellowship, now where would I be without the rooms and people in recovery from addiction? A lot worse off and maybe expired by now.

Fellowship

Mention to another human who is unaware of addiction the amount of time we need invest in healthy programmes to live and we realise just how difficult it is to comprehend as a normal person what addicts and alcoholics do to keep well.

The World

A dingy sort of Saturday with weather we might find hard to deal with as the seasonal sad keeps us low in our moods.

Compared to last evening and time with some friends and a coffee, we chatted and had amiable conversation, I got home and went for an early night, and then sleep evaded me.

Edge

There is an edge to where sad moments can tip over into the abyss of depression. Not so bad as I recall this time last year. What is really apparent is the unrelated nature of events over what is happening inside my head. In many respects things have been improving for months yet the depression is there and the awful truth that I am powerless over clinical depression just hovers over me. Meetings help me a lot.

People

There is a truth about depression most would want to deny. That we can snap ourselves out of it. I am really not sure if those who offer therapy, for example cognitive behavioural therapy really do accept there is often nothing a person can do to make it go away. I am realising over and over that it is not wilfulness on my part to be in a depression or lack of tenacity to pull myself together. Depression rolls in and sometimes it is there stark almost from one moment to the next. The tears on the brink of falling as life just loses impetus and has little meaning, no matter how good things have been for a while.

Understanding

Indeed the acceptance I need develop around this moments is that from the onset to conclusion, it seems there is no rhyme or reason to it. It is without doubt a chemical change in me and my physiology, as the emotional tools are well understood and the practice a way of life.

Anger Frustration

Part of the depressive process? Seems these two can just plain be missed as the plunge into the deep is just with me. A catalyst need be found? I fear there is none today. Or the last few days as these moments of despair seem to be gathering.

Loss and Love

Even though loss and love, and I can relate to all the in-betweens are not great highs and lows in my life, there has been much talk just recently about where not just me, but others I know are. I am still affected by the loss of a friend, my sisters partner Christopher, part of life for twenty years and now dead. This haunts me as much as it would affect anyone. Grief is a slow process. And maybe this has something to do with matters presently. I cannot find its cause and the effect, the depression that is. And why it comes so quick then disappears and then rattles my serenity all over again.

Chatting with a friend tonight about being alone, I donít feel so lonely these days as before and yet recognise exactly what they shared with me tonight.

Partnerships

Are we humans meant to be partnered and happy, or can we be on our own, not so much lonesome, and still feel the pull of nature? I am certain I donít know the answers which may help or hinder. Or am I just learning life all over again? I feel like itís a lot like this in truth. Simply learning.

Finally After Another AA Meeting
Yes another meeting at Eaton square tonight, and my head is clearer, my feelings feel more normal and just as I may, I am ok at the end of this day.

Sitting and listening to others and their stories of experience strength hope and sadness as I did and remaining silent and listening made me feel ok. It is as it may be. The touch of depression just on that harsh edge, it feels like its abated for now.

So many elements can impact on my chemistry. As it does for any human, I have some extras, being type one diabetic as well its easy for my mood to go into free fall and then bounce back alarmingly. A blood sugar thing? Partly and yet I know the differences as mood and experience teach me the likely causes. I am learning every day and its quite difficult to gauge.

Easy Does It

I need to take it easy, my batteries are low. Due care and attention.

And if you are reading this as I write today, it may be I am already on an upward trajectory to somewhere near my normal, one can hope..




January 20th 2007

Change - "if it ainít broke donít fix it."

There are phrases like "if it ainít broke donít fix it." And I guess that sometimes this is exactly the right thing to do. Today though it feels right to make a change in when and how I make my video clips and when I write my diary. For a while I have tried to get the diary done ahead of time and make sure its posted on the website early as possible. Being hot off the press can be a great advantage and having news on tap and up to date too.

Diary - My Blog

Well from now I intend to write the blog and diary in the mornings. Late nights trying to be coherent and not too messy in my thoughts may have been working. On the other hand it pushes my day to extend from early mornings to late evenings and I need to change this. Simply not enough relaxation for me, being wide awake and diligent at both ends of the day is not helping me and my living. So a change from now.

Saturdays are good for me, an early meeting at the Hospital, Chelsea and Westminster, an AA meeting and good contact with my higher power, the fellowship. I have so many powers greater than me these days, I recognise my power is about choices and what next, and most often with consultation and wisdom sought.

Today

So a video done this morning to accompany this written blog. And from now the video clip and the written blog will be done in the morning maybe wish a fresher outlook and more settled mind. The good news? Well there is always some good news.

Right Size

Already the meeting this morning has helped me realise my true size and also made me aware of what I can do and cannot do. How good is that?

Wisdom

Simple I can concentrate of changing things I can and leaving some things alone which are beyond me. And this helps me with the rest of my day! So for now I am signing off and will share tomorrow what happens today. It seems to me there is no merit in pushing myself to uncomfortable efforts which deplete and make difficult much of what I need do.

Three Conditions

Type 1 diabetes and all that entails including my problems walking anywhere these days. Clinical Depression, managed with a lot of help and actually is just about ok at the moment. Recovery, a daily encounter with myself and my ongoing work to make life possible at all.

Overall

This morning another lesson in my powerlessness, and another lesson about doing the next right thing. As outlined in my blog today. So until tomorrow, will I be able to leave things? Or will I need to write again? I donít know until tonight. Either way it will be published in the morning. We all need our time out and mine is overdueÖ

January 20th 2006

Full of Conundrums Today

I don't have clear thoughts and feelings today. And I am concerned to offer the best support I can to a friend. It becomes increasingly difficult to support, as requested, but not accepted.

My way forward is to help raise the questions and listen to their decisions with enough feeling and thinking to move on or stay still.

Life is the toughest game, better when we don't pretend, unbearable if we don't?

January 20th 2005

Forgiveness and Tolerance

Forgiveness and tolerance are the hands of God in action. We need to join our hands with God and learn and do the same. In my world I learn God is Truth and spiritual is seeing the truth in the moment of now..

The ever present, present moment of now

-/-




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Be Tolerant

You have the power to tolerate anyone and any situation. But tolerance is not just suffering in silence.

It means going beyond any personal discomfort you may feel, and giving a gift to whom ever you would tolerate. Give your time, attention, understanding, compassion, care - all are gifts, which paradoxically, you also receive in the process of giving.

And, as you do, you will experience your own self esteem and inner strength grow. In this way you can turn tolerance into strength.





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Ghandi

There come to us moments in life when about some things we need no proof from without. A little voice within us tells us, 'You are on the right track, move neither to your left nor right, but keep to the straight and narrow way.

A person falsely claiming to act under divine inspiration or the promptings of the inner voice without having any such, will fare worse than the one falsely claiming to act under the authority of an earthly sovereign. Whereas the latter on being exposed will escape with injury to his body, the former may perish body and soul together.

You have to believe no one but yourselves. You must try to listen to the inner voice, but if you will not have the expression"inner voice", you may use the expression "dictates of reason", which you should obey, and if you will not parade God, I have no doubt you will parade something else which in the end will prove to be God, for, fortunately, there is no one and nothing else but God in this universe.

For me truth is the sovereign principle, which includes numerous other principles. This truth is not only truthfulness in word, but truthfulness in thought also, and not only the relative truth of our conception, but the Absolute Truth, the Eternal Principle, that is God. There are innumerable definitions of God, because His manifestations are innumerable. They overwhelm me with wonder and awe and for a moment stun me.




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Ghandi

There come to us moments in life when about some things we need no proof from without. A little voice within us tells us, 'You are on the right track, move neither to your left nor right, but keep to the straight and narrow way.

A person falsely claiming to act under divine inspiration or the promptings of the inner voice without having any such, will fare worse than the one falsely claiming to act under the authority of an earthly sovereign. Whereas the latter on being exposed will escape with injury to his body, the former may perish body and soul together.

You have to believe no one but yourselves. You must try to listen to the inner voice, but if you will not have the expression"inner voice", you may use the expression "dictates of reason", which you should obey, and if you will not parade God, I have no doubt you will parade something else which in the end will prove to be God, for, fortunately, there is no one and nothing else but God in this universe.

For me truth is the sovereign principle, which includes numerous other principles. This truth is not only truthfulness in word, but truthfulness in thought also, and not only the relative truth of our conception, but the Absolute Truth, the Eternal Principle, that is God. There are innumerable definitions of God, because His manifestations are innumerable. They overwhelm me with wonder and awe and for a moment stun me.










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