When we donít get love as we grow up, that is we donít really understand it, we are somehow lost to its depth and its breadth. Yet we still have love inside us, we just donít know how to express love to others or have enough self love to feel ok and just even with others who try love us.
Those who have loved me over the years. They had a clue how I might be lacking in understanding of love. I never learned too well, and its nobodyís fault, I just did not understand or even realise love was about. And as I grew, love was more misunderstood by me. I knew I had feelings, yet never knew how to express them. And how I learned to love was a clumsy and naÔve as any other.
Fear of love, fear of abandonment, fear of being left behind, fear that I was less than deserving. All sorts of fears connected to being loved and loving back.
A normal child to man, a normal outlook on life as far as it went and still an elusive and misunderstood attitude to loving and being loved. From family, to friends to lovers over the years. Either I had too much to give or not enough to give. I never knew if anyone loved me, as I really did not get love. I was superficial and indifferent to myself and always wondered how to cherish.
A guide to loving came to me when my Dad died. I had no understanding of the pain of his loss, even though he was no shining example of how to do anything, I realised in losing him just how integral love is to life.
Women in my life saw enough to know potential, and I saw enough to love and see potential and yet somehow somewhere I was lost and not really clued in to loving and love. I always knew those I would love would leave me, they always did. Or did I just make it so, that they left or I did, because I just plain did not know.
Not knowing then what I know today. Well maybe the answers are still being learned. We learn from songs, from life and what its like just to be in a peaceful space and love the ones we are with. I am still a learner in life and love as much as attraction still baffles me. How so? I am a slow learner these days. As I need understand me and love, as I may learn to understand how to love again. I am told we are all worth it. So far I can conclude just for today, we all are worth it, and learners we will always be.
January 24th 2007
Easy Does It - What?
Easy does it, what on earth does this mean? In our AA fellowship, Alcoholics Anonymous, it means donít beat ourselves up and donít try and solve our whole life problems, just concentrate on what we can do today.
The last couple of days have felt like I need almost an auto pilot to keep putting one foot in front of the other. As in any life we can have ups and downs, and find ourselves well out of the day. Imagination like mine and everyone I guess can create perfect moments which have nothing much to do with day to day. And without a thought and with great passion start to build my castle in the sky. I am good at this, and it makes me realise just where I am right now. Getting back to daily in the day feeling and being.
Was I so far off? Not really but certainly the reality check in recent days has helped me realise there is much I need attend to keep myself in balance, or I am useless to me and anyone else.
Evening meetings have been very helpful to me, to break the habit of staying put and watching life on TV and not actually being in life and getting on. How much TV can we enjoy and still have a life. Indeed I have quite a lot to do just to keep faith and courage going sometimes.
A trip to the market to get some necessary bits and pieces. Walking in the cold and with my feet absolutely complaining, meant it was no happy stroll. Anyway job done and the bus back took ages. I really suffered. I donít mention the downsides of my situation enough apparently, as people are keen to know what is involved with diabetes, the other factors it gives me to make life hard, clinical depression and doing recovery from addiction. There is a lot and one day I will catalogue it so people know what I do. Not now though.
Cafť Nero Tonight - Kingís Road
I do enjoy writing as you may guess from this journal. I have another, a more private place of reflection in a hand written diary. The two go together, the difference is no names are shared here for reasons of integrity and courtesy. My fellowship is anonymous for those who wish it so, and other matters so private are not for public gaze. Sorry if this is unhelpful, but for me its important to keep my world and people I know safe. I donít mind what you know about me, as I am out there. Other friends and fellows need have their say if they wish, as they choose and not ever from me.
So with an hour or so to the meeting I got my feelings set down on paper. I feel sad and vulnerable over recent days. At the same time I know depression is coming, its those horrid waves of uncertainty which happen as depression manifests. And it will do what it will. It does not stop me writing, just makes me have desolate times and feelings. So great care needed to keep good patterns whatever happens.
A friend turned up, I have not had chance to chat with him for ages and we talked big concepts and small talk too. Odd actually we never seem to gossip about anyone, and he is good at being on the level and avoiding others and their day to day gripes and moans so it was good to just reflect on days and news in the media.
We were Late - the meeting
We hear the same stuff over and over in AA. The fellowship simply there to make us able to get better attitude and behaviour through the twelve steps, and utilise the traditions of AA to keep safe in the day. As simple and as complicated.
Whatever happens in a meeting we do share as best we can our truth around experience strength and hope. I am careful always with my words, and realise I have a storehouse of thirty plus years to off load, its no wonder I go daily in the evenings to AA.
Tonight though it sort of touched me, that on June 6th 2004, when sitting in Hyde Park Corner with the war memorials around me, it was my true acceptance of the end of my drinking days. The video explains the gist of my acceptance.
No blinding revelation, although it was connected to knowing when my Father was dying he overcame life long fears, made his amends and pegged it. What connects the two things? Itís the memorials to the dead and seeing where my Father had served during the war. He came back from the war with a good habit for drink and kept it to his death bar those last two months or so. And I felt I need not keep to his pattern. This is only me realising I could stop the drink and find a life again. And not a criticism in the slightest of how my Father coped with life. Oblivion from pain and self medication have no longer the appeal or offer safety for me these days. Just being real with life.
So we never know quite what is going to happen, what memories are evoked and places and things.
So often its full of laughter and also full of sadness. Where else in this world can we share, the deepest gloom and then a moment later be racked with laughter? I know no other place so open and honest about feelings, where we can be honest and careful too, for we donít wish harm to anyone either. So we are careful people these days. Not so reckless, just as gormless on occasion as we ever were.
Is what we want, and what we find. Yet ordinary life has highs and lows as they happen in the day. This is the gift of living now, in the this present moment. We get better and more practice than we ever had facing life as it is and not as we desire or imagine.
A cool objective and better than being in a state of oblivion or on the way there, as we cannot process our feelings or insides unless we live soberly and happily sad as days offer.
Overall a good day, so much inside still with a tinge of sad reflection on current times and how they are. We donít get over living, we understand and get along as we do. Some elements we are new to, like being real as real life permits us to feel everything as it is. Pain is as much a part of living, and so is emotional connection. We donít make it, we live it, just a day at a time.
January 24th 2006
We Need Control
Do we really need control in our lives. We tell people about wanting control. And we have our own feelings about control we share sometimes and only when we trust others.
Nobody wants to be thought of as a controlling person, or do they? We know what's considered nice, that is to be liberated and free, to let others do their own thing, and we do ours.
Truth is, the more insecure we are, the more we look for control, of ourselves and everything. And in fact as we have less control over our lives, the more we are likely to crave control. Until we have nothing left!
We can control one thing in this life, our choices. And in reality we give that up too as a compromise poorly made and poorly negotiated.
Make good choices once a day, it becomes second nature...
Now is that pie in the sky or what?
January 24th 2005
The Day Of Depression
It is this day which apparently marks the most depressing day of the year. For a change I am less depressed than at any time I can recollect. I would not describe my situation as elated or anything like 'normal depressed' according to any psyche assessment or questionnaire I have researched in the recent past. I have depression like a dog has fleas, its been around so long I regard depression as my normal. I would love to shift my senses and emotional state to ordinary, it would make things so much easier.
What is it like? Maybe its about time to admit how depression manifests, I hesitate always, for people would have some empathy for it, but no time for it. I wish I could pull myself together and march right out of it, I cannot. No amount of will or determination will pull me or push me out of the anxious gloom. I have to sit tight and wait, as usual and wait for what seems like eternity. A glum time.